Impjak Adventure

From soyjak wiki
The humble beginnings

Impjak Adventure, also known as Choose your own Swedish adventure and The Adventures of Impjak, was a "Choose Your Own Adventure"-inspired webcomic on the /soy/ board of soyjak.party, where it is promoted as a stickied post. It started in 2021-04-05, and quickly gained popularity.[1] It had several different authors. The comic featured several characters and elements from the soyjak universe, including Impish Soyak Ears, Fingerboys and Dr. Soyowicz.

The story ended on 2021-06-14.

Format[edit | edit source]

Impjak Adventure was a highly innovative, experimental, and immersive interactive story experience. Taking cues from respected media such as classic role-playing games and text adventures, Adventure allowed anyone who replied to the thread to dictate the course of the story by giving simple instructions to Impjak, the main character. These instructions were then interpreted and used to advance the story by numerous[2] creative chuds on soyjak.party. The story of Impjak Adventure was expressed in the form of illustrations accompanied by text, which was used to give further context to the illustrations and to convey important story details, and was also sometimes used for dialogue between characters.

Animated series[edit | edit source]

The comic has been adapted into an animated series, using subtitles and text-to-speech voiceover in conjunction with the original illustrations to transform the comic into a unique audiovisual experience. 2021-04-11 saw the release of the first episode (enumerated in the original filename as "v0.01") as a .mp4 video file on soyjak.party[3], instantly receiving critical acclaim. The episode was later published on youtube, where it quickly gained a whopping 200 views.[4] A second episode was released that same day, this time identified in the filename as "v0.02"[5]. This episode is essentially an extended version of the first, featuring that entire episode plus extra lore created since its release.

Picklejak controversy[edit | edit source]

The plot twist in which Impjak turned into a pickle proved to be controversial, with several posters demanding that OP undo it.[6] In response to the criticism, OP decided to make a poll, which came out to the favour of Picklejak.[7]

The results of the poll prompted one chud to make a splinter version of the thread, which he dubbed the "serious version" of the story. The thread attracted some interest from fans of Impjak Adventure, but was deleted by Soot before it could be archived.

Story[edit | edit source]

WARNING


This plot summary is not an optimal way to experience the story for the first time. It is meant only as a recap for use between story entries.


If you wish to read Impjak Adventure as intended, visit the official soyjak.party thread[archived version].
Impjak's adventure began with a visit to the local Swedish mosque. He then ate the mosque, engulfing the entire structure in his mouth and swallowing it whole. After he finished eating the mosque, he returned to his home, a small and patriotically decorated shed, to watch some Markiplier. However, his consumption of the mosque made him too large to fit in the small shed. Despite his recent meal, Impjak was still hungry and decided to eat his home.

After swallowing the entire shed whole, Impjak then decided to visit Capitol Reef National Park. Despite feeling a foreboding sense of unease upon reaching the park, Impjak continued into the park to explore the area. For no known reason, Impjak then chopped his right leg off with a hacksaw. He then sowed it to his head. The smell of blood attracted a small group of lesser Fingerboys. Impjak grabbed one of them and ate it alive, causing the other Fingerboys to tremble in fear. Using one of the remaining Fingerboy nymphs, Impjak attempted to fashion a prosthetic leg. He failed due to the terrified Fingerboy scratching at his stump. Perhaps due to the excruciating pain, Impjak took some meds prescribed to him by Dr. Soyberg. He soon lost consciousness and found himself wandering through a strange, dark dream state. Impjak soon became aware of a Schizojak lurking in the darkness. Impjak turned to face the sinister being. He visualised a statement he disagreed with next to the Schizojak, possibly to contextualise the situation and, by soyquoting, remind himself that the Schizojak is really just another 'jak. After his attempt to disarm the Schizojak seemed successful, Impjak pulled the Schizojak's mouth even further open and climbed through, using it as a portal.

Waking up, he found that he had been supernaturally reborn as a Swedish tapeworm. After seeing a severed soyjak head, Impjak realised he was in the stomach of a large, adult Fingerboy. Suddenly, Impjak was regurgitated by the Fingerboy. After this rude expulsion, Impjak noticed he was still in CRNP, and was surrounded by a litter of hungry juvenile Fingerboys (Fingerlings). The Fingerboy who coughed him up was in fact the Fingerboy broodmother, and she meant to feed her young. Acting quickly, Impjak pounced toward one of the Fingerboy youngsters and forced his tail down its throat, parasitically commandeering its body. As the process ended, Impjak successfully became an impish Fingerboy. Noticing a change in her offspring, the Fingerboy broodmother soon became suspicious of Impjak. Impjak panicked and vomited Sproke onto the concerned matriarch. The broodmother at first appeared sympathetic to Impjak, but without warning kicked him out of the nest, assuming him to be gravely ill and unlikely to survive. Impjak was knocked out by the force of the kick.

After waking up, Impjak discovered that he had landed near a small cabin by the side of a road. Suddenly, a man of indeterminate Eastern-European origin emerged from the desert and spoke to Impjak in a strange, foreign language. While he seemed friendly at first, Impjak soon noticed that the man was performing a racist hand gesture, an illegal act in Sweden. Impjak cast a rock at the man, striking him dead. Soon afterwards, another mysterious figure appeared, making a shrill and unpleasant noise. However, it soon disappeared before Impjak could get a good look at it.

Impjak noticed that it was evening, and that it was starting to get cold. Since a cold night without shelter would be a death sentence for a scrawny Fingerboy youngster, Impjak decided to seek refuge in the cabin. The cabin was furnished with a bed, a rifle mounted on the wall, and a desktop computer. Ignoring the cabin's other offerings, the tired Impjak went straight to the bed, sleeping through the night. When he woke up, Impjak, struck by a strange urge, fingerbated. This resulted in him expelling several tiny Fingerlings. Hatching a devious plan to exact revenge on the broodmother, Impjak repeated this activity several times, continuing until he had expelled a small army of fingerlings. Impjak and his offspring soon found the broodmother alone in the park. They charged into battle, soon overwhelming the broodmother with their superior numbers. After his decisive victory, Impjak took the broodmother's place as leader of the CRNP Fingerboys.

Settling in to his new Fingerboy role, Impjak went hunting the park for visiting 'jaks. He soon encountered a Norwegian tourist taking photos of the park. Impjak first attempted to steal the Norwegian's iPhone, however on closer inspection saw that he had no pockets and in fact was wearing no clothes at all. Quickly dispatching the alerted 'jak, Impjak then picked up the Norwegian's dropped digital camera, flipping through the various photographs saved on it. He encountered a photo of someone who looked deeply familiar, thinking that the person may even be him from a past life. He quickly disregarded this, however, instead deciding to take a quick selfie for posterity and returning the camera to its deceased former owner.

After this expedition, Impjak returned to the cabin and devised an ingenious trap using a Soylent bottle, a cardboard box, and a small stick. Impjak then posted an ad on Craigslist to lure unsuspecting 'jaks to the cabin. He then lies in wait under the bed. Soon after, Markiplier arrives at the cabin. He walks through the door, talking just like he does in his wholesome gaming videos. Impjak tries greeting him but Markiplier appears not to hear. It was then that Impjak noticed that the visitor was not Markiplier at all, but in fact a delusional schizo wearing a straitjacket who merely thought he was Markiplier. "Markiplier"'s commentary abruptly cut off when he noticed the bottle of Soylent on the floor. As the schizo lunged for the Soylent, the box fell on his head and he was trapped.

After securing the box with heavy-duty tape, Impjak dragged it out of the cabin and into the road. He wrote "FREE SOYLENT" on the box and posted another Craigslist ad in an effort to lure even more 'jaks. Suddenly, Impjak's thoughts were invaded by a profound urge to say the n word. After a brief struggle with the urge, Impjak finally said it, feeling immense relief as he did so. But then he suddenly froze from fear as he remembered that saying the n word is a hate crime punishable by death in his native Sweden. The hate-speech monitoring microchip in his brain immediately broadcast an execution warrant to Sweden's authorities. The might of Sweden's law enforcement had been instantly dispatched to kill Impjak.

Despite the mounting danger, Impjak decided to remain in the area and see his 'jak-luring plan through to the end. As night approached, Impjak made another sign on the side of the cabin advertising that there was even more free Soylent inside. He then hid behind the cabin's open door. Soon, he smelled blood outside. His highly sensitive sense of smell placed the source of the odor at the box containing the trapped schizo. This struck Impjak as very strange considering there were no Fingerboys around. Impjak then ordered some of his Fingerlings to keep watch for incoming 'jaks or Swedish law enforcement, allowing him to briefly leave the safety of the cabin to check on Schizoplier. Opening the box, Impjak found the schizo grotesquely maimed and bloody. Shocked, he drew back from the box and let out a surprised screech. The schizo remained unmoving in the box, apparently dead from blood loss. Suddenly, a floating soyjak head appeared out of the night sky. Impjak recognized it as the head that was previously in the Fingerboy broodmother stomach before it was regurgitated alongside him. This time, it appeared to have supernatural powers and a strange blue aura. It was emitting the sound of static, through which Impjak could make out only a few words about the "British Broadcasting Corporation". Impjak began an attempt to communicate with it, but before he could say anything he was interrupted by a hand reaching through the floating head's mouth. Soon after, a man climbed out of the head, revealing the hand to belong to none other than Dr. Soyowicz. Impjak, recognizing Dr. Soyowicz, started to talk to him.


Portrait Impboy.png
Doctor Soyowicz??? What are you doing here?


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Ach, nein! My experiment vas a failure! Ze patient in ze box had escaped ze asylum. Vhen I tried to adminizter ze remote BBC therapy it destroyed hiz eardrumz!


Portrait Impboy.png
So that's what happened! But... wait, why were you in that head?


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Ah! It was mein reconnaizzance vezzel! It emits ze BBC frequenzies!


Portrait Impboy.png
But why were you in the fingermother's stomach earlier?


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Ach! Much to mein embarrassment, I vas caught by ze fingerboys vhen I entered ze park. Danke for coming along and saving me, mein little wormy friend!


Portrait Impboy.png
No problemo, friendo! Say, how about you and I team up? I might be expecting some unfriendly visitors later and could use the backup.


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Zay no more, mein comorade! I vill assist you in ze upcoming battle, and perhaps acquire new patients for testing!


Impjak hopped in the floating soyjak head (which turned out to be called Nuclear-Infused Gyrating Gizmo Embarkment Relocation v.5, or NIGGER5 for short) with Soyowicz. Soyowicz produced a map with which they could plan their journey to acquire more allies for the upcoming battle. Before takeoff, Impjak told his Fingerlings to guard the cabin.

Impjak and Soyowicz decided to visit Las Soygas as their first destination. They visited the first casino they see, where upon their entrance they were instructed to wear masks by the Native American greeter.

After donning their fashionable and life-saving masks, Impjak and Soyowicz made their way to the craps table in search of potential allies. When they reached the craps table, Impjak began explaining his predicament to the dealer, however the dealer quickly interrupted him, revealing himself to be none other than former President Donald Trump.


Portrait Trump.png
Impboy, was it? Let me tell you, I've come across a lot of fingerboys in the past. A lot, let me tell you. They can be nasty, but you seem alright.


Portrait Impboy.png
HOLY GUACEMOLE!!! P-P-PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP???


Portrait Trump.png
That's right, impboy, it's me. Your president, Donald J. Trump.


Portrait Impboy.png
But... what are you doing here??


Portrait Trump.png
Didn't you read the sign? This is the Trump Casino and Resort Las Vegas, sweetie. The best, let me tell you. I'm working here undercover while operation Shadow President is underway. Very top secret, let me tell you.


Portrait Impboy.png
That's amazing! So will you join us in our quest?


Portrait Trump.png
Of course, just let me wrap things up here, folks.


Impjak and Soyowicz returned to the NIGGER5, their new destination the Navajo Indian Reservation, their intention to recruit the local Indigenous population. Trump remained in his casino, telling Impjak and Soyowicz that he would meet the two of them back at CRNP after he had finished decoding another message from his loyal compatriot, Q.

On board NIGGER5, Impjak and Soyowicz had a conversation.

Portrait Impboy.png
How did you manage to escape from the mental asylum, doctor?


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Ach, it vas my greatest idea yet! Using advanced BBC treatment, I vas able to trick the guards into believing zat I vas the deceased doctor Soyberg. Zey transported mein body to ze dead jakker pile, vhere I was able to craft my latest creation, the NIGGER5 that ve are inside of now, out of a deceased patient.


Soon after their friendly conversation, while Soyowicz was distracted, Impjak pressed a button on the ship's control panel labelled "BBC Therapy".


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Ach, nein! Vhat have you done, you mischievous little 'jak??


Impjak panicked as the ship's machines started to malfunction. He defecated in his hands in an attempt to relieve the stress. This seemed to further anger Dr. Soyowicz.


Portrait Soyowicz.png
Vhat are you doing???


Portrait Impboy.png
It's an anxiety thing, doctor, everybody's moving so fast all of a sudden, it freaks me out. Pooping gives me control. It's a thing!


Impjak vomited a protective Sproke cocoon to shield himself from the incoming impact and self-destructing machinery. The unprotected Dr. Soyowicz was impaled by numerous sharp pieces of glass and metal. His wounds appeared fatal.

Hours later, Impjak woke up in his cocoon and discovered that he had landed in Petrified Forest National Park. He clawed his way out of the cocoon and began to search the surrounding area for Dr. Soyowicz. After several hours passed with no sign of the doctor, Impjak gave up the search and sought shelter from the nighttime cold underground, clawing at the hard earth and tunnelling into the depths below.

His digging was interrupted by the discovery of what appeared to be a Soylent landmine. As soon as he had discovered it, it started to beep. He quickly thought of a plan to angle its Soylent-propulsion side towards the hole's entrance, reasoning that the force from the mine's Soylent squirting would propel him deeper underground. But before he could fully execute this plan, the mine went off, filling the hole with Soylent. Impjak began chugging the delicious meal replacement and soon the hole was once again dry. The mine turned out to still be loaded after its initial blast, beginning to refill the hole. Impjak, content with finding a place to spend the night and a tasty food source, went to sleep.

Impjak awoke afloat in a sea of Soylent. The Soylent mine appeared to have completely flooded the national park. He felt a slight northward current as he tasted the Soylent, finding it to be cacao flavor (his favorite). Impjak felt the current was getting stronger but, still unconcerned, took out his phone for a quick selfie. Unfortunately, the phone had been broken, either in the NIGGER5 crash or the last night's flood.

Looking up from the broken phone, Impjak noticed he was heading for a whirlpool. The current was now too strong to possibly fight against. The whirlpool dragged him underwater and he lost consciousness.

Waking up, Impjak found himself in what appeared to be a sewer. There was a walkway running along the wall to his left. There was a green door marked with a number 4, accessible via the walkway. Impjak climbed a small ladder out of the Soylent and onto the walkway. He then pressed his ear to the door, hearing the rhythmic sounds of heavy machinery, mixed with more irregular metal rattling, and what may have been distant, anguished screaming.

Impjak slowly opened the door, just enough to peek through. The coast seemed clear, and he decided to enter. He found the source of the rhythmic machine noise, what appeared to be some sort of water pump. A sign on the wall says "WARD 4 PUMPS". At the other side of the room, there was a pipe laying in a small pool of blood. The pipe lay in front of an ajar door decorated with a bloody handprint.

Impjak headed through the bloody door, deeper into the mysterious complex. Ahead of him was an open entrance to a stairwell marked "WARD 4 HOLDING CELLS". An arrow on the wall pointed to the left and was marked "WARD 3 PUMPS". Another pointed to the right, this one marked "WARD 5 PUMPS". The sounds of screaming and rattling metal were getting louder. He could hear a few words coming from somewhere ahead.


...WILL...


...will NOT...


...doctor say...


...therefore...


Impjak, feeling peckish, reached for his guacamole supply for a quick snack. To his disappointment, he found that it had all been washed away by the Soylent flood. Suddenly, he heard voices approaching him from down the corridor in the direction of the ward 5 pumps. He swooped to the ceiling, where he hid, among the pipes, in the darkness. Two men entered the section of the corridor that Impjak is in, both soyjaks wearing white coats and equipped with various medical paraphernalia. They began to converse as they walked through the corridor.


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
You found him, Dr. Soyswedeson?


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
Ja, Dr. Sprokeberg. He didn't mäyk it far. Vi found him sneaking around in ward 4. He had harmed himself on some mätal debris, and häd to be admitted to ward 5 får emergency cäre.


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
How did he hide from us for so long though? I thought we had searched ward 4 already?


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
>though


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
>>though


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
>>>though


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
>>>>though


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
>>>>>though


After a few minutes of this bizarre ritual, the one named Dr. Sprokeberg seemed to capitulate, breaking the chain by asking the one named Dr. Soyswedeson.


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
By the way, Dr. Soyswedeson. How is that ear doing?


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
Very väll, my fränd! Ever since de operation, I've had excellent hearing!


Their conversation finished, Dr. Sprokeberg continued down the corridor towards the ward 3 pumps, and Dr. Soyswedeson ascended the stairwell. After briefly pondering the doctors' discussion, Impjak decided to follow Dr. Soyswedeson, reasoning that a fellow Swede may be more willing to help him understand his situation.

After climbing the stairwell, Impjak was confronted with a long hallway lined with holding cells. At the far end of the hallway was an open passage, possibly where Dr. Soyswedeson went. Impjak started down the hallway, but his attention was caught by something in the second cell on the right. Peering through the bars, he saw a strange, pale creature crouched in the corner of the cell. Attempting to get the creature's attention, he vomited the last of his Sproke reserves at it. Unfortunately, it was not enough to reach the patient, seeping uselessly down a drain in the floor.

Annoyed at this waste of his precious Sproke, Impjak tried verbally communicating with the patient.


Portrait Impboy.png
What's up, though?


...


Portrait Impboy.png
I said what's up, tho-


Impjak heard a tremendous crash behind him. The sound of reinforced concrete being punched through like wet paper.


Portrait Impboy.png
Who is this th-


Before he could finish his inquiry, the source of the noise, a hulking, pitch-black, green-eyed beast of a 'jak pummelled Impjak into the ground. Impjak's consciousness faded and he found himself once again in the dark recesses of his mind. He began to disassociate from his present peril and meditated on his surroundings, pondering the nature of his situation. His ruminations were abruptly interrupted by a grasping hand plunging out of the darkness, grabbing him from the depths and bringing him crashing back to reality.

Impjak knew he had no chance of defeating the muscular Thoughjak in direct combat, so he lured the monstrous 'jak towards Patient 096's cell, sending one of the Thoughjak's thunderous blows crashing through the cell's frail wall. Impjak retreated into 096's newly-opened cell, the Thoughjak following him. From the cell's depths emerged 096 himself. Impjak ducked out of harm's way as the two behemoths charged into combat. Their godlike battle sent shockwaves through the entire facility, alerting every official there.

Weary from the Thoughjak encounter, Impjak stumbled out from 096's cell back into the hallway. He heard pounding footsteps approach him from down the hall. He saw a tall, ripped soyjak sprinting towards him. He tried to duck out of the way of the incoming orderly but, slowed by his injuries, he could not evade the muscled 'jak in time.

The hunky 'jak easily and gently scooped Impjak up, effortlessly cradling him under his enormous left arm. He started to casually talk, as though he were thinking out loud.


Portrait Swolesome.png
Mmmmmmmm, fresh fingerboy! This will go great with my impossible whopp! But what's this? Oh no, the poor guy is injured. Bruised meat would ruin my diet. Hmmmm... what to do? Here little buddy, have some of my whey protein. I have a spoonful leftover from my pre-workout.


Swolesome Soyjak fed Impjak some whey protein powder, miraculously healing his injuries and making him feel better than ever. Impjak asked Swolesome if he still planned on eating him. He briefly pondered the question before answering.


Portrait Swolesome.png
No, little buddy, it looks like you've had a rough enough day as it is. Besides, I've got to restrain the patients in the other room. I can't do that if I'm carrying around an FB. At least not without breaking a sweat!


After depositing Impjak in the hall, Swolesome continued down the hallway to break up the thunderous battle between the two errant patients. Now having some privacy, Impjak decided to repeat his Fingerboy reproduction ritual, expelling four new Fingerlings. He gave the four runts orders to scout the facility and report back to him with their findings. Impjak then headed to the ward 4 offices, where he found Dr. Soyswedeson holding a can of Sproke. The doctor stared at him in stunned silence, and Impjak too stood his ground. Dr. Soyswedeson broke the silence.


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
Are you a patient? You are not wearing any clothes. Although swolesome does not weär clothes either...


Impjak informed the doctor that he too is a Swede. Dr Soyswedeson asked for proof, which Impjak provided in the form of a beautiful rendition of the Swedish national anthem.


Portrait Impboy.png
~Spiderswede, Spiderswede,

~Spends his days, forcing memes

~Posts a fail, any time,

~Evading bans like it's a crime

~Look Out!

~Here comes the Spiderswede.


~Is he strong?

~Listen men,

~He's got a million VPNs.

~Can he make a shitty thread

~Take a look overhead

~Hey, there

~There goes the Spiderswede.


The doctor started to get emotional at the sound of his beloved country's anthem, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.


Portrait Soyswedeson.png
Älright, Impböy, how can I help you?


Portrait Impboy.png
Well, doctor Soyswedeson, I'm looking for a friend of mine who is also a doctor. His name is Soyowicz, have you seen him?


The doctor fell silent, the color draining from his face upon hearing the name "Soyowicz". Impjak continued questioning Dr. Soyswedeson, asking him if Dr. Soyowicz was being held in ward 5. The mention of ward 5 made the doctor even more nervous. Sweating profusely, he dropped his can of Sproke. Irritated with the doctor's silence, Impjak pulled out his trusty pocket knife and began barking orders at Dr. Soyswedeson. This appeared to be the last straw for the doctor's composure, and he fainted from stress.

Impjak tied up the downed doctor, gently out of respect for a fellow Swede. He then took and put on the doctor's coat and ID badge. The disguised Impjak then propped the unconscious doctor up against the wall and righted his can of Sproke should he get thirsty. As he started to plot his next action, three of his Fingerlings returned from their scouting expedition, reporting enough of the layout of the facility to allow Impjak to construct a mental map of its interconnected rooms and hallways. The fourth Fingerling apparently went to ward 2 and never returned.

Impjak, full of paternal concern, embarked on a rescue mission to recover the missing Fingerling from ward 2, but not before taking a quick look inside Administration. On his way to Administration, Impjak encountered another doctor. He recognized him as Dr. Sprokeberg, the doctor who was talking to Dr. Soyswedeson earlier. Dr. Sprokeberg looked quite displeased about something, and turned to talk to Impjak.


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
Ah, Dr. Soyswedeson, there you are! Have you seen my last sproke? I could have sworn I left it right here in the fridge. Wait a minute, something seems different about you...


Thinking quickly, Impjak improvised a cover story about meds leaking into the Sproke supply, causing hallucinations.


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
Causing hallucinations? Who do you think you're talking to? I invented Sproke, it can't cause hallucinations even when taken with meds. It was invented to be administered with meds, in fact. And besides, I haven't had my daily Sproke today, weren't you paying attention?


Impjak then drew an unflattering portrait of Dr. Sprokeberg and mockingly repeated the doctor's last statement. Dr. Sprokeberg was initially surprised, but soon regained his composure.


Portrait Sprokeberg.png
Heh, I see you still got it, Dr. Soyswedeson. Don't expect an easy win though!


Dr. Sprokeberg then began furiously scribbling on a piece of cardboard. Within seconds, he had produced a drawing of Impjak, with Impjak's previous statement written next to it. Impjak began to prepare his rebuttal, but was interrupted by an announcement over the intercom system informing the entire facility that Derek Chauvin had been found guilty of the murder of humble community leader, George Floyd. Impjak and the doctor took a knee to peacefully pay their respects.

The tension now broken, Impjak falsely told the doctor that patient Soyowicz was to be brought to Administration to file some paperwork relating to his recent escape attempt. Dr. Sprokeberg accepted the story, directing Impjak to the elevator down the hall. He also asked Impjak to ask the head doctor about his missing Sproke.

Impjak continued down the hall toward the elevator, but stopped at the entrance to ward 2, meeting three of his four Fingerlings there. Ward 2 was shrouded in darkness, and a strange, otherworldly presence could be felt there. Impjak decided to venture into the darkened ward in search of his missing Fingerling. He placed his three surrounding 'lings in his pocket before proceeding.

Now in total darkness, Impjak focused his sensitive Swedish hearing, listening for potential distress screeches from his missing offspring. He listened intently for several seconds, hearing nothing but silence, until suddenly a faint noise could be heard.


...dilate tranny...


Acting out his medical persona, Impjak told the voice to take its meds. He heard a faint reply to his statement.


...you will never be a real woman...


A hideous, disfigured creature emerged from the darkness. Impjak recognised the figure as a bigoted, incel chud. This wretched thing would not even be legally allowed to set foot in Impjak's native Sweden. Instinctively offended, Impjak educated the chudcel on how toxic and problematic his beliefs were. Midway through this admonishment, Impjak noticed that what he took to be the chud's arms were in fact additional heads. He realised that this was no average chud, but the rare and elusive Hydrachud. The heads, in sync with one another, replied.


Portrait Hydrachud Middle.png
cope, tranny


Portrait Hydrachud Left.png
fuck you [n-word] (omitted for sensitivity)


Portrait Hydrachud Right.png
we will NOT take the meds


The Hydrachud began to get closer to Impjak. Impjak raised his Fingerboy talons and informed the grotesque monster that his unwashed claws contained 'rona germs. The Hydrachud heads started to laugh.


Portrait Impboy Disguised.png
What's so funny??


The middle head licked its lips. A cold wave of fear rolled over Impjak.


Portrait Impboy Disguised.png
W-what did you do with my baby fingerling, vile monster?!


As the Hydrachud remained silent, Impjak tried to enrage the monster, hoping it would become reckless and irrational.


Portrait Impboy Disguised.png
Trump lost.


Impjak's plan instantly worked. All three of the Hydrachud's heads started seething with rage and reciting white supremacist dogwhistles as they charged toward him.


Portrait Hydrachud Middle.png
TWO MORE WEEKS!


Portrait Hydrachud Left.png
STILL YOUR PRESIDENT


Portrait Hydrachud Right.png
TRUST THE PLAN!


Portrait Impboy Disguised.png
Heh... just according to keikaku.


Impjak tossed a handful of meds at the Hydrachud. The two heads on either side both opened their mouth in shock, accidentally ingesting a handful of meds each. The meds, which turned out to be HRT medication, rapidly took effect. The Hydrachud transformed into a Hydracher. As the former Hydrachud stared in disbelief at her now womanly body, Impjak took his chance and produced three masks. He leapt toward the transitioned beast, screaming a battle cry as he did so.


Portrait Impboy Disguised.png
MASK UP, CHUD!


In a skilful flurry of attacks, Impjak masked all three chud heads. With one final blow, he slammed the creature through a nearby wall. The battle over, Impjak stood silently in solemn remembrance of his lost Fingerling. Suddenly, out of the darkness, the missing Fingerling scampered toward Impjak. Overjoyed, Impjak scooped up the 'ling and gave it a big ol' Fingerboy hug. Afterwards, the 'ling gives Impjak some additional information about the facility. There seemed to be some sort of power outage or electrical fault, as all the lights were out from their current location all the way to ward 1, and the elevator to the generator room was out of action. However, the elevator to the facility's entrance remained operational, allowing the Fingerling to sneak outside of the facility. Outside, the 'ling saw that the entire building was carved into the side of a cliff.

The excursion into ward 2 completed, Impjak continued his path to Administration. He entered the elevator that would take him there, where both the original version of Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This plus Marilyn Manson's cover played over the speakers. Impjak rides the elevator all the way to the top level of Admin', exiting into what appeared to be the head doctor's personal chambers. Impjak saw the doctor sitting in his office chair, his back turned to him, in the middle of a video call with a strange man. The signal was weak, and Impjak could not determine the man's identity through the static.


The Head Doctor
Are you sure about this, Director?


The Strange Man
Of course I'm sure, now stop calling me and get back to your job. I don't want to hear from you again until bzzzzzzzzt is sorted out.


The Head Doctor
I didn't quite catch that, Director.


The Strange Man
Don't tell me the servers are down again...


The Head Doctor
No, sir, we just had some soylent overflow lately and our systems are running at max capacity. I'm sure we'll have everything up and running again before it churns into chees-


The Strange Man
DON'T SAY THAT WORD


The Head Doctor
Right, of course, Director, my apologies.


The Strange Man
Ugh... don't call me back until you have something to report, Dr. bzzzzzzzzt


The video feed cut out. Impjak approached the head doctor's desk. The doctor swiveled around in his chair to face Impjak, revealing himself to be master psychiatrist Dr. Soystein.


Portrait Soystein.png
Ah, Dr. Soyswedeson! How can I help you, today?


Portrait Impboy Disguised.png
Well, head doctor, I need to see docto- I mean, patient Soyowicz for some procedural paperwork. Do you think you could call ward 5 and have him sent down?


Portrait Soystein.png
Paperwork? Hmmmmm, I suppose we do need to log his escape attempt, although I'm not sure how lucid he'll be after the operation...


Impjak asked Dr. Soystein who the man he was speaking to was.


Portrait Soystein.png
Oh, nobody important, just a fellow foot enthusiast.


Impjak, remembering Dr. Sprokeberg's request, asked Dr. Soystein about Sprokeberg's missing can of Sproke.


Portrait Soystein.png
Haha, swiped Dr. Sprokeberg's sproke again, have you Dr. Soyswedeson? I saw you drinking it earlier.


The doctor chastised Impjak on breaking company policy, reminding him that stealing was in violation of said policy, but closed his warning with a sly wink. Since it would take some time for Soyowicz to be brought to the office, Impjak decided to make conversation with the head doctor, in hopes of potentially finding out some useful information. He started by asking where the two of them were currently located. Dr. Soystein appeared confused by this line of questioning, but answered nonetheless.


Portrait Soystein.png
We are in the mental asylum, of course. We relocated to Petrified Forest National Park after our previous facility in Capitol Reef was compromised by... escaped test subjects. To the naked eye, this facility would appear to be nothing more than a cliffside, but it actually houses one of the most advanced mental institutions humanity has ever seen. Drank too much sproke, have you, doctor Soyswedeson? Your head must be feeling hazy if you've forgotten where we are.


Impjak remembered Swolesome Soyjak, the ripped 'jak who had spared him earlier. If Impjak were to attempt an escape with Soyowicz, Swolesome may not be as merciful. He tried asking Dr. Soystein if Swolesome had any weaknesses.


Portrait Soystein.png
Swolesome soyjak? Swolesome soyjak, he is... invincible.


Impjak began questioning the head doctor about the asylum's guards and whether they carried weapons. Dr. Soystein was getting increasing confused and suspicious. Before further questioning could occur, the elevator door dinged. A man in a dark gray coat, his ID badge identifying him as Dr. Soyer stepped out of the elevator, wheeling in a restrained patient. In the darkness that seemed to envelop the area surrounding the elevator, it was impossible to identify the patient. Impjak asked the guard about the patient but received no reply. As the guard wheeled the patient closer, Impjak saw that the patient was Soyowicz. Soyowicz had been transformed into a soyborg, his flesh augmented with high-tech machinery and metal plating. One of his hands had been replace with a metal claw and his eyes were glowing red.

Citations[edit | edit source]